Ranking Children's Book Characters on How Likely They Are to be Bad News

Date: August 2nd, 2026, Dallas Fort Worth Airport 3:17pm

Children’s books remain, to me, some of the highest quality fusions of fart and shiterature (art and literature for those not colonically inclined). The garish coloring, varying art styles, the sparse yet carefully selected text, all the while suffused with a parent, friend, or corrections officer’s voice as they read it out loud to you… But here’s the thing. Many, many many books are heartwarming and joyous, full of benevolent and kind hearted characters (think The Giving Tree, Winnie the Pooh, Saddam Hussein, etc). HOWEVER. There are some absolute stinkers out there. Characters that throw things, scream, rob entire towns blind for their own self-serving ends. Just awful, awful guys. Really bad things that they get up to. For readers soon to have children, or in general want a peace of mind, here are children’s book characters to STAY AWAY FROM: Characters that are Bad News, ranked in no particular order.

Vigilante #1: Goodnight Gorilla

Man just look at this little turd sandwich. Don’t shush us, we all know EXACTLY what you are getting up to, you’re not sneaky at all. So basically this little guy steals the key’s off of the security officer of the zoo in order to incite a prison riot by letting out all of the other animals. Now I know exactly what you’re thinking: isn’t Goodnight Gorilla (or just Gorilla? Like what is this dude’s name even) a courageous insurgent and bold practitioner against the heteropatriarchical surveillance apparatus of the police? Shouldn’t he rightfully take a stand against his inhumane bondage and that of his fellow animal kin? Think again, because instead of championing for real change, or even rebellion, he instead leads all of the animals (lion, giraffe, armadillo, elephant, and hyena, to be exact) into the zookeeper’s house, and fucking tucks into bed right next to his wife. So all of this is bad, and his rap sheet is stacking up quite high; but the zookeeper’s wife wakes up in terror, but instead is merciful, and leads all of the animals calmly back to their cages. You would think this would be the end of little Gorilla man, but nope. The fucker just walks right back and tucks into bed yet again. So unless if you want a primate entering into your home, banana peels in tow, and sharing your pillow, you have to agree with me: Goodnight Gorilla is BAD NEWS.

Vigilante #2: The Bad Baby

This book might be relatively unknown to my website’s vast and numerous readership, but it remains my favorite children’s book of all time. Published in 1969, containing many British themes, the book is an excellent foray into the complex social dynamics and power hierarchies governing British hamlets in the 20th century. But really, it’s mostly an Elephant and a Bad Baby. That’s literally his name, Bad Baby. And boy is he bad. The plot is pretty much this: the Elephant meets the Bad Baby, and asks the Bad Baby for a ride, which the Bad Baby says Yes, so the Bad Baby goes throughout town on the elephant visiting various establishment’s: the ice cream man, the pork butcher, etc. At each and every one of these stops, the Elephant asks the Bad Baby if he wants something from it, and of course the Bad Baby says Yes, so they quickly rob the entire town blind, and the various shop owners are all chasing after these two fugitives. But finally, the Elephant stops, and the Bad Baby gets jolted off his back, and the Elephant points out the fact that the Bad Baby never once said please for any of his stuff (which to me is Bad News, but keep in mind the elephant was an accomplice in this brazen crime spree, and was the one asking for the Bad Baby and then stealing the shit. Not exactly scot-free). And then all the shop owners are shocked that the Bad Baby never said please, and all gang up on him (he is a BAD little Baby). Sadly the story has a happy ending, and the Bad Baby gets to enjoy a pancake meal with all of the business owners and the elephant at the end, whereas if we lived in a just world he would be placed in prison for life without parole. Keep away from this Bad Baby, for he is Bad News. Bad little Baby.

See, just look at these two! Somebody get that Bad Baby!

Vigilante #3: Shrek

No, no, not the CGI Shrek, but THIS dude:

God he is just awful. For those who haven’t read this masterpiece, please do yourself the pleasure of learning about this terrible, terrible man (ogre). Any snake that bites him gets convulsions and instantly dies, he eats lightning and belches it out, ignites a valiant knight with his fire breath, you get the point. One of the best takeaways from this book is Shrek’s self-confidence; he is so hideously dreadful, yet he revels in it, and walks through the swamp with pride. Near the end, he gets trapped in a hall of mirrors, and upon seeing his reflection, is so appalled that he could barely spit a bit of flame. But, when Shrek realizes that the reflection is himself, he gloats with pleasure, “full of rabid self-esteem, happier than ever to be exactly what he was.” It’s the kind of internal view I wish I embodied back in Oberlin, when after 8am long run, I looked at myself in the mirror, gaunt, sweaty, disheveled, sleep-deprived, and almost leapt away into the Lacrosse team’s locker room (a netherworld I never wished to enter) from fright. Not Shrek, though: he is Bad News, and he KNOWS it.

Vigilante #4: The Stinky Cheese Man

This guy smells so fucking bad dude. Good lord he reeks. When I was at Books of Wonder (a children’s book store in Midtown Manhattan), Lane Smith, the author of The Stinky Cheese Man and other Fairly Stupid Tales, was there for a book signing and Q&A, so I bought a copy and he signed on the Stinky Cheese Man page a little drawing of the Cheese Man as well. Even to this day, if you flip to that page, you can smell him; we had to put Him in the corner of the apartment, far enough away from our food and bedrooms. In his little story (god knows why anyone would right about this dude), a lonely old lady and man make him out of stinky cheese, two olives for eyes, and bacon for his nose, in order to keep them company during their troubled life. Well, he stinks so bad he knocks them out, and runs away from them. The fortunate thing about The Stinky Cheese Man is that he knows he is stinky; whenever he encounters an unfortunate soul, he decries: “Run run run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me, I’m the Stinky Cheese Man!” So he is self-aware enough to know of his foul odors (and presence), and doesn’t attempt to inflict his miasma on anybody. The good news is, he fucking dies at the end. He knocks out the Sly Fox carrying him across the river (cuz, again, let me make this real clear to you, he fucking smells), and dissolves into the water, a horrific mutilation that he is quite worthy of. So, this guy is Bad News; or rather, WAS Bad News. Good riddance.

Vigilante #5: No David!

Due to his upcoming bail hearing, No David and his likeness could not be included in this list for privacy reasons. For those who’d like to contribute to his bail fund, click here